I know you might think me crazy but I don’t care, a few nights ago I dreamt of my boy and he was so happy and healthy I just KNEW he was ok :oD

I’m getting by a bit better now, I still cry every day, there’s always something that will set me off, his lead on the floor by the door, his freshly washed pillows waiting to be packed in to the loft, the odd toy wedged under something, it’s bizarre how much is still around, but we were together for nearly fifteen years so I guess I’ll constantly be finding evidence of his life with me, even the dog hairs, bless his bum. I‘m not ready to pack stuff away yet, but I’m doing stuff bit by bit.

I’ve been immersing myself in to Lincoln’s life and it’s funny, since I have been unable to move about much (the grief has had me staying in the room where Bert died 24/7, I’m only just starting to get out and about) and been holed up in the bedroom, Lincoln and I have become even closer, he’s also bonded even more with his dad which is lovely.

I do think I can feel Bert around though and it’s not just me, I’ve discovered that Simon and I ‘feel’ Bert around at the same time and we ‘can’t feel Bert’ also at the same time so that would be nice to think we are both picking up Bert’s visits.

Oh my goodness I can’t leave here without mentioning the funeral I had for Bertie. I organised a service for him at a beautiful pet crematorium, called Dignity. It was in gorgeous surroundings and they treated Bertie with such respect. Two friends came to the funeral (Ben, not a blogger, and Pandy of Panda-eyed fame) as did my mum who adored Bert, and it was a long drive for most so I was really touched to have them there. I got lots of lovely tributes and poems (one made up especially for Bert from the lovely Daffy) to read out at the service and Simon did a very elegant order of service. I also organised a wake at a nearby dog friendly hotel which I paid for in Bertie’s name.  At my local florist I ordered 14 long-stemmed, thorn-free white roses (one for each year he was with us) from me and Sim and asked them to be tied elegantly with raffia as they were to be cremated with Bert. Pandy brought some beautiful flowers, my mum carved flowers out of carrots which were Bert’s fave treat (carrots not flowers!) Linda, my granny’s carer, sent a red rose for Bert and she had her own private ceremony at mum’s house at the spot where Bert usually sat and Sim and I also cremated Bert with an organic carrot too.

The attendant allowed me to help transport Bertie to an old pottery kiln that had been converted to a crematorium (you can see it on the Dignity website) but because it was a kiln in the past it was really pretty to look at. I also helped to see Bertie off when he was cremated. It absolutely broke my heart to do this but I felt as Bert’s mum and best mate that I should be with him right until the very last moment out of my deep love and respect for him, so even though it hurt more than anything in my life, I did it for him and helped to prepare him for the last journey.

We had the wake and talked about Bert and had a toast to him, there was a photo on the wall of a black dog which looked a bit like Bert so we all felt like he was there with us.

Afterwards I picked up his ashes and we now will scatter them at a park he pootled off to all on his own when the back gate was left open once. We’ll do that when the weather is a bit nicer.

Since I dreamt of Bert life’s been a little bit easier, I was able to ask Bert all the questions that were on my mind when he passed and mainly ask if he was ok, which he said he was with a happy tail wag. I’ve had similar dreams when my dad died and I had questions to ask him, he popped in to my dreams and gave me the answers too and it helped me immensely.

Anyway, grief is a tricky road and also quite a long one so I’ll be taking one day at a time and focussing on the nice things I still have.

I’ll have my good days and my bad, and I’ll also always have my memories of Bert, and my love which despite him not being here anymore, will never ever die.

As time goes by normal Diva service will be resumed, thank you so much for your patience and you support, I couldn’t have done it without you all!

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