Coo it’s late! I’ve not been about for a bit cos the Other Half’s parents were over for the weekend. They are such sweet people but Other Half’s mother, just like my own, seems to have an old fashioned way of childrearing that doesn’t seem to work or apply anymore.
For example my personal methods for baby calming are as follows:
Baby’s shrill piercing cry means: “I’ve hurt myself and need comfort”
Remedy: Hold baby close to you, pat it’s back, use soothing words and a slow rocking motion.
Result: Cries die down and contented gurgling ensues.
Baby’s loud wail with occasional clenched fist waving means: “I’m hungry and I want food NOW”
Remedy: Feed ASAP!
Result: Happy smiles, burps and occasional poo.
Baby’s grizzled cry with eye rubbing and throwing body about means: “I’m tired”
Remedy: Hold till asleep or change nappy, put to bed, read a story and let sleep.
Result: Happy sleeping baby.
Baby’s piercing cry, mixed with grizzled cry that stops when something interesting happens and starts up again when boredom sets in means : “I want attention and love”
Remedy: Cuddle and soothe and let the baby lie on your chest or sit on your lap and keep amused with a toy.
Result: Contented cooing baby or sleeping baby.
That’s pretty much it for fixing the problems of my little one, so I am at a loss to understand why our parent’s generation thinks that these *methods work today:
Baby’s shrill piercing cry means: “I want to be fed, so until my bottle is ready please jiggle me about like I’m in a earthquake”
Remedy: Bounce baby on the knee constantly so it shakes like a junkie jonesing for a fix:
Result: Baby stops crying from shock, throws up and then resumes crying.
Baby’s loud wail with occasional clenched fist waving means: “I want to be fed, so until my bottle is ready please sing loudly in my face despite my repeated wailing”
Remedy: Croon crazy ‘lullabies’ that will induce a look of horror in the baby’s big brown eyes and make it wish that it had learnt how to run away earlier that morning instead of blowing raspberries at the dog.
Result: Panicked baby crying as it searches for any available parent for quick pick up and escape.
Baby’s grizzled cry with eye rubbing and throwing body about means: “I want to be fed, so until my bottle is ready please ensure I don’t stay in the same position for longer than 3 seconds”
Remedy: Keep making the baby lie flat despite its repeated attempts to get up. Bounce it on your knees so its head lolls about like a bladder on a stick. Repeat bouncing with increasing speed until the baby’s wails sound like it’s crying in a helicopter.
Result: Baby vomit appearing on clothing and surrounding furniture which continues until grandparent reluctantly agrees to give the baby to a parent to change in to something wipeable.
Baby’s piercing cry, mixed with grizzled cry that stops when something interesting happens and starts up again when boredom sets in means: “I want to be fed, so until my bottle is ready please decide that I’m actually smiling and get the camera out for an entire albums worth of photos in the shortest time possible”
Remedy: Act like paparazzi on a Red Bull overdose and take as many flash photos as possible until the baby has a confused squint.
Result: A cross eyed baby and parents frantically saying “Look at me sweetheart, no with both eyes……over here darling….BOTH EYES!”
*sigh* Bless them, the grandparents absolutely, utterly and completely ADORE our babba and they honestly do mean well, plus that’s how we were brought up so it obviously worked for them…….. and we turned out ok, didn’t we?
*Cough*
Actually, don’t answer that…….. ;o)
*FYI On each occasion the baby has been *rescued* and no long lasting problems have arisen. Also repeated ‘Granparent Calming Treatment’ has been modified to be simply lots of cuddles!
Posted in Everyday Blurb | Tags: baby, family, grandparents
